ASK QUESTIONS FREQUENTLY
How do the 12 Steps work?
No one really knows for sure, but the goal of the 12 steps is to create a spiritual experience which brings about recovery. Please don't be turned off by the term spiritual experience. I am not talking about talking in tongues or the clouds part and god speaks. Most spiritual experiences happen over a long period of time and are of the intellectual variety. The only way it will work is if it is acceptable to you.
Can atheists, those who subscribe to eastern philosophy, those who are deconstructing, etc. work the steps?
YES, and more importantly keep their beliefs or lack thereof. There are many ways to work the steps without a concept of a higher power. EDA specifically has developed a way to do so using a higher purpose to "serve" the greater good. Of course, AA calls upon us to have our own understanding. The last time I worked the steps I utilized a higher purpose rather than a higher power and found it more effective in someways and liberating. My favorite 12 step fellowship meeting that I founded was held in a buddhist temple. We utilized, with the temple's permission, everything the temple had to offer us including beginning with a 20 minute meditation. Currently I attend a 12 step fellowship meetings that I co-founded in a Unitarian Universalist Church. I know many friends who have worked the steps as atheists and remained strongly atheist after working the steps. I have a friend currently who I can call upon to guide me in guiding an atheist through the steps. Deconstructing is perfect for the 12 steps. Most people do a lot of deconstructing because of the steps. The steps call us to find our own understanding and that is exactly what deconstruction is. Still, If at anytime you find that the steps are not a good fit for you, there are programs that are specifically created for atheists or Buddhist, and so on. I would be glad to explore those with you and help find a mentor in those programs if needed.
What about abstinence?
Please remember the only requirement is willingness. The steps will only be as effective as you work them. It is not my job nor responsibility to define sobriety for you. I understand harm reduction. I was a counselor at a methadone clinic at one time. Rarely do I foresee a reason that I will not work the steps with you. I have never “fired” a sponsee. I see no reason to. Sponsees that aren’t willing to go to any lengths seem to disappear before I ever need to “fire” them. With that being said, I think it is possible to receive a spiritual experience without first becoming abstinent, but unlikely. Still, there are situations of we will be seeking balance instead of abstinence. There is a reason that sobriety chips say "To thine own self be true." I will go further to cite the AA Big Book that says, "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest." I think one reason sobriety and abstinence is important for the success of the steps is because it is difficult to be honest with ourselves while using. I will conclude with saying that I will help you define sobriety for yourself, and we can change that definition as we go. That all can be part of working step one. There are some 12 step programs that do not require an abstinence or a sobriety to begin. So let's just make a start and see where you go from there.
Should I go to meetings?
YES. If you are in a position to go to meetings, please do attend them. I will be glad to help you find one locally or online. I find so much value in meetings that I hope that I will be able to create our own online meeting as well. Nothing can replace 12 step fellowships. With that being said, a lot of harm does take place in 12 step meetings. A vast amount of what takes place in 12 step meetings is good and healthy. That still does not negate the harm that some have experienced in meetings. If you simply do not feel comfortable with attending meetings, that is understandable and should not inhibit you from working the steps or achieving recovery.
Why AA Literature?
Two reasons. The main reason is because it is what I have worked the steps with the most frequently and for the first time. It is what I am most familiar with. Also, most 12 step fellowships also use the AA Big Book for their own basic text. The AA Big Book is not just to read, quote, and put on a shelf. It is a workbook. I suggest that you read the forwards to the AA Big Book and Bill’s Story to familiarize yourself with the literature before we begin step one. But I am open to using different literature to work the steps. There is one exception to this. In the case of any disordered eating, even over eating, the only literature I will use is the EDA literature. Eating is a different beast entirely because we can't stop eating.
What makes you qualified to mentor others through the steps?
I have been sober and clean since 12/07/2002. I had a decade-long career in mental health services and was a substance abuse counselor before I became a stay at home parent. Still, none of those things qualify me to mentor others through the steps. The only thing that qualifies me to do so is that I have worked the steps. I have worked the steps in AA multiple times, Al-Anon, Eating Disorders Anonymous and OA*. Have also guided Many people through the 12 steps. I am not a life coach. I am only a 12 step sponsor.
*I will not encourage the program of OA. I will not use any 12 step literature for disordered eating other than Eating Disorders Anonymous.
Can I work the Steps on my own?
Yes, you can, in a way. You will need someone for your 5th step specifically, but otherwise, yes. The AA Big Book was written with this in mind. When it was written there were only 100 known recovered Alcoholics. The Book was published to reach everyone in the world and give them a guide to reach a spiritual experience that would facilitate recovery. No matter where they were or if they knew another recovered alcoholic. There wasn’t even the term “Sponsorship” in the AA fellowship of recovery at that time. Still, the goal was you would fully work the steps with another person. Usually the first 100 of AA would travel all over the world to anyone who contacted them after the Big Book was published to take others through the steps. Having someone who has worked the steps take you through the recovery literature and work the steps with you is invaluable. That is why recovery literature after the Big Book was written often refers to sponsorship. Going through the 12 steps without a sponsor is like cooking without a recipe over a fire. It can be done but it’s not ideal. See the 12th step is ideally sponsorship. Allowing a recovered alcoholic (or other recovered person) to help you, helps that person stay clean or sober. Please remember that when you ask for help and give another recovered person the opportunity to be of service to you, you are keeping them sober that day.
Why do women work with women and men work with men?
I am not opposed to working with any gender or expression. Strong boundaries are required regardless of gender. I, however, have only experienced addiction and recovery as a woman. Although my gender does become more fluid as I get older and I have recently learned that I am intersexed. There are many reasons traditionally women work with women and men work with men. It mostly has to do with the 13th step. But also, the steps were written with the male experience in mind. A male experience that is mostly caused by how differently society treats femme presenting from masc presenting. For instance, the 6th and 7th step focus strongly on defects of character and an ego running rampant. Women also have defects of character but they tend to be of an ego that is on the other side of the coin… complete humiliation and despair. That is why women must not just look at their character defects in steps 6 & 7 but also their character assets. This is only one of many examples that the experience of addiction and recovery for women or femme presenting can be very different from men of masc presenting.
I don’t think I can swallow the whole God thing or I just can’t imagine doing such step four or I could admit to myself and God, but not another person or….
Good news, the only step you have to work perfectly is the first one. I promise it is not as hard to swallow as you think it might be either. There is a reason the steps are in a certain order. They are meant to only be worked in that order. If you have not even completed step one and you find step two daunting, Take it Easy. It will always be daunting until you work the first step. The previous step always prepares you for the step after it. If you ever get to a step that is just too challenging I will recommend that we go back to the previous step and see if we missed something. So please remember that as you look at the steps, take it easy. You will be ready for each one as you come to them.
“Many of us exclaimed, ‘What an order! I can’t go through with it.’ Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim progress rather than Perfection.”
p. 60 Big Book of AA.
What will this cost me?
Financially… nothing. You may decide to purchase literature on your own, but the literature is available for free online. The only time I can think of that you may be asked for money is the 7th tradition. The 7th tradition states “Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.” This means that if you go to meetings you will see a basket being passed for donations. Also, if we develop our own meeting and costs are incurred we may ask for a donation. You will pay me nothing. I am not doing this for financial gain. I am helping people for my own benefit and sobriety. I am working my 12th step. This process will however cost you time and effort. If worked properly you will never have to drink, use, smoke, engage in disordered eating, engage in toxic behavior, be in a toxic relationship, etc. ever again. That in itself can have its own cost, which is hard to explain or describe until you experience it. Let me put it this way, if I went to myself back then and told her what I know now, I do not know if she would have gotten sober. But I am so glad that she did because what she valued and found to be most important then is not what I value and find most important now. I am so very thankful for that. I am truly a different person. As I should be simply because that was two decades ago.
What if I get started on the steps and I find it isn’t for me?
THAT’S OK! 12 step recovery literature acknowledges this isn’t for everyone but everyone can recover through the 12 steps if they thoroughly follow these steps. We can figure out a different path for you or you can just say this isn’t for me and we part ways or end this phase of our relationship and develop a friendship or you can ghost me. It’s cool. I won’t take it personally. The only person you have an obligation to is yourself. You are the one taking the risk, not me. There is a reason that one of my boundaries is that you reach out to me more than I reach out to you. You reaching out shows willingness on your part and it ensures that I am not doing the work for you.
What if I start going to meetings and find a person to sponsor me there?
You can switch sponsors at any time. I have had many sponsors. The only thing I would ask you to be aware of is that often when we get a new sponsor your new sponsor will ask you to start over on the steps. In my early recovery I used this as a way to avoid my fourth step. Make sure you are not switching to avoid working the steps. But if you ever feel that I am not the right fit for you as a sponsor, then I would be happy to help you find a new sponsor. You may have heard of temporary sponsorship. I would gladly be your temporary sponsor as well. As long as we are actively finding you a permanent sponsor while also beginning to work some recovery principles into your life. If I can be a bridge to help you transition into 12 step fellowships and find a sponsor, I would be honored to do so.
There’s a lot of work put into this site. What’s that about?
Well, two things. One, a lot of this work I had already completed and collected through out the years so it was easy to just consolidate all of it here. Two, I am enjoying a hyper focus state and a new laptop putting this together. Don’t read too much into it.
What does a sponsor do?
Here is the role of a sponsor according to Eating Disorders Anonymous:
- Takes others through the process of working the 12 steps.
- Listens
- Shares personal experience, strength, and hope
- Provides honest, positive feedback
- Avoids offering unsolicited advice on matters unrelated to working the program
What does a sponsee do?
Here is the role of a sponsee according to Eating Disorders Anonymous:
- Commits to working the steps
- Maintains regular contact with Sponsor
- Is open to honest, positive feedback
- Takes responsibility for their own decisions and actions
What should I do next?
Next we talk. Contact me and we will get started, camillewinningham@icloud.com, or Facebook messenger or @notthefattesthiker. From there we will set up a time to meet in person or video call on FaceTime, Zoom, Google Meet, or Facebook Messenger.